By Eileen Connelly, OSU
The Christmas season isn’t merry and bright for everyone. Amid twinkling lights, joyful holiday carols and festive gatherings, some people are in mourning or suffering from illness, addiction, estrangement, poverty, homesickness or loneliness, making it difficult to find holiday cheer.
The friars and faith community at St. Mary’s Parish in Pompton Lakes, New Jersey, seek to provide people who are hurting with a place of welcome during the holiday season. Their annual Blue Christmas Mass seeks to bring God’s comfort and the community’s prayers to those hurting during the holidays.
Blue Christmas Masses are often held on Dec. 21, the year’s longest night. This year, the Blue Christmas Mass at St. Mary’s is scheduled for Dec. 19, 2024.
Addressing a need
Inspired by similar services offered at other churches, parishioner Dorothy Coyne, with the full support of Br. John Aherne, OFM, helped bring the Mass to St. Mary’s in 2022.
“I had been going to the services for years at other churches but could never find a place close to where I live,” explained Dorothy, a massage therapist who specializes in working with oncology patients. “I have seen my patients and their family members struggle and wanted to find ideas to help them, along with also grieving the losses of my own parents and husband.
“During the joyous holiday season, people can feel sad, angry, bitter, overwhelmed, exhausted and have heavy hearts. The Blue Christmas Mass is about offering people hope.”
When Dorothy approached Br. John with idea of holding the service at St. Mary, he readily agreed.
“I was very moved by Dorothy’s experience and recognition that people need an opportunity to grieve,” said Br. John, pastor. “We friars tend to be among the people, finding ways to reach out to those on the margins, and that includes those who are hurting. The reality is that the Christmas season isn’t always happy, jolly and bright. It can be a time of real pain for people. I jumped at the chance to bring the Blue Christmas Mass to St. Mary’s as a way to address the need for comfort and healing.”
Compassion making room for hope
Megan and Michael Ingraffia have experienced God’s love and comfort at the Blue Christmas Mass. In December 2022, the couple’s newborn daughter, Avery Rose, tragically passed away.
“We were beyond broken,” Megan recalled. “Our faith was really tested.”
Her father, Walter Smith, sought consolation at St. Mary’s and learned about the Mass from Br. John, who soon had the entire faith community praying for them. At the service, just days after losing their precious baby girl, Megan and Mike found comfort amid their grief.
“It really gave us hope. We just knew God would get us through things,” Mike said. “And our faith was really ignited as a result.”
The following spring, he and Megan went through RCIA and were confirmed. They are now parishioners at St. Mary’s. They participated in the Blue Christmas Mass last year and will be there on Dec. 19, this time with their five-month-old son Luca Gabriel.
While their healthy baby boy brings them immense joy, Megan acknowledged that the holidays are a challenge as they remember the pain of losing Avery. She emphasized that their faith, the Blue Christmas Mass, the compassion of the friars at St. Mary’s and the faith community’s support have brought them healing and hope.
“I would encourage anyone to participate in the Mass and rituals,” she said. “Just be open to God’s presence and let him in to help you. When you lose someone, it just rocks your whole world. We don’t know how we would have gotten through this without God.”
A prayerful, comforting experience
After the Mass itself, the program is self-guided. Those present are provided with a program featuring prayers, including A Litany of Loss, as well as Scripture readings for personal prayer and reflection. They can also participate in various consoling and reassuring rituals of their choosing at their own pace including:
- lighting a candle in remembrance of a loved one or to offer one’s wounds to God
- a “letting go” ritual that involves writing one’s intention on a piece of paper, then bringing it a bowl of water, letting go and giving it to God
The experience of the Mass, rituals and prayers is “warm, gentle and cozy,” Dorothy noted. “It’s a chance to bring your experiences, your emotions to God’s house, with God present.
“I think of the Holy Family – Mary and Joseph and the struggle on their journey to Bethlehem, the anxiety, the uncertainty, then waiting for the baby to come,” she added. “The whole world was and is waiting for Jesus to come, and our struggles today are similar to Mary and Joseph. We all have burdens that we’re carrying and need to experience the coming of the Lord.”
The Mass is supported by several ministry groups from the St. Mary’s community that offer comfort to people who are hurting and grieving throughout the year:
St. Mary’s Prayer Shawl Ministry provides prayer squares as a reminder of being enveloped in the love of and warmth of God, a lost loved one and the entire faith community.
Stephen Ministry offers free, Christ-centered care to people experiencing life difficulties
Lost Angels Ministry provides help to those who have lost a child or loved one to substance abuse and addiction or an overdose
More Than Ever Ministry is a support group for those estranged from their children or grandchildren.
St. Mary's Church is located at 17 Pompton Ave, Pompton Lakes, NJ 07442. For more information about the Blue Christmas Mass, visit St. Mary’s website.